Here I Am

I am sitting here in front of my computer, the last bastion of any real substance I now have and wonder what happened. I spend so much time contemplating what makes a real existence or just some fake life. I am not ready for life in the big city, too many rude obnoxious people for my liking. So, I ponder, is it really the big city or is it humanity itself that has made me what I now find myself. Are people really as obnoxious as I make them out to be or am I just a lighting rod for those types of people. I cannot seem to be able to make any sense out of my life so, I have put myself in this bubble and pretend that I like it. I don’t want any real relationships because of how much they hurt when they come to an end. Failed marriage, failed education, false identity. 

Now I come to the realization that I do not want to have many friends or companions, I do not want to have a lover, girlfriend or best friend. Why? 

I have no desire to be famous, rich or poor. I desire nothing! Why? 

My role in this rotation of earth seems to be nothing…be it my fault or something else, it just is a numbing sensation that will not go away. 

So where does that leave me?